wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
