I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
