I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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