I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
