Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
