Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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