tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
and you fell through a lawn chair
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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