My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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