I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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