stop calling my apartment porn island.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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