wat bout pragnant strippers??
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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