Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
