my soul wont recognize me after tonight
we're chasing vodka with high fives
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
