he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
