I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
