Bisexual people are plain selfish.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
