I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
