someone owes me an orgasm
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
