I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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