we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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