Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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