I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
