I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
