look no pants
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
