Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
