what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
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