My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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