I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
