you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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