just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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