My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
