Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
