You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
sick fucks of a feather flock together
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
