Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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