i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
