what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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