So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You may now shotgun with the bride
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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