guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
