Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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