i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
