Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
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