as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
