I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
