Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
