It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Randomize
