dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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