she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
But theres a keg here and me gusta
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
