Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
