you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
