There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
