No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Is Oprah even human
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
