I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
