I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
